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i feel more lost than ever, I dont know what i want, and im scared im letting the people down who mean the most to me. i just keep on trying to go with the flow and not worry, but its putting me in a bigger and bigger entangled mess that im just not going to be able to get out of without anyone, including myself, getting hurt. I have all of these ties to home, and all of them are so important but i just dont know how to make the right decisions for myself. so many big things have happened already that i wont have the room or space to process until i go back to therapy next semester, because i wake up to the next morning facing new events that unfold. and i know how lucky i am, to have these who want to let me into their lives, and laugh with me and tell me their secrets. i shouldnt even be complaining about any of this. its just that i feel like at some point i stopped being me, because i always knew right from wrong before and that distinction is blurred. deep down, i know, what to do; i just want to prolong for a little while because i'm not ready to let go yet.
maybe its time i stop being so laid back about the whole thing. these are people's feelings at stake. and selfishly, i have to say the most important are mine. and i dont know what im doing.
the thing is, for a long time, I havent found happiness in myself. most recently, it was lane who i relied on and then before that it was it was some boy, and before that, another. ironically, i feel so much more secure and mentally strong right now than i have in years. this experience has made me stronger, and i know that God wouldnt give me anything in life that i couldnt handle.
For the past four months ive always had this tiny thought in the back of my mind thats like "wow things like this dont happen to me." and i would always deep down doubt my relationship, thinking that i dont meet guys who are this hot, or laid back, or so into me. My life, while fulfilling in other aspects, had never been filled with so much happiness.
and just when i got comfortable with things, they ended. More than missing him, I miss feeling safe and happy and content. he kept me grounded. he's never going to laugh when i call him buster, or call me his babe, or kiss me again.
today a boy in one of my classes was talking to me a lot and he asked me to go outside and smoke with him, and i did, and i got the guilty "dont flirt with this guy" kind of feeling in my stomach, just out of habit. and then i wanted to throw up because i realized i dont have those worries anymore. because -
I'm alone.
And i know - things will get better, ill laugh again. but right now i cant even get out of bed or not cry at least 5 times a day. and its hard.
"Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, it's like you wake up everyday and it hurts a little bit less, and you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is that, this is kinda weird, but it's like, it's like, you almost miss that pain...because you lived with it for so long"
i cant believe im leaving austin tomorrow. i know i need to leave, but part of me is so sad. this summer was a summer of so many firsts, but so many things were still the same as they always have been. My heart hurts.
the rain everyday is making me depressed. that, and my mother calling me an alcoholic skank. and, knowing that probably he thinks the same thing. that's the worst.
I also am in boy hating mode tonight. I look around me and see my friends with all these guys who are crazy about them and sometimes I wonder what Im doing wrong and when God is going to give me my own happiness too. I need someone to just take me seriously.
God i feel awful and worried right now.
i am separated from one of my bras. again. boys suck.
i am at a point where am i literally scared to get drunk because godonlyknows who i will wake up next to. it could be a mexican, a jew, a matthew mccaunhay look alike, a person whose name i dont know. these are not hypothetical situations. this is a scary thought. i've literally had one new boy every weekend since 2007 began. and the whole point of no attachments was that i wouldnt get stressed out. Only now I feel like an awkward skank-ho, and that in itself, stresses me out. this is a vicious cycle. oh college.
sometimes i feel like one of those girls who look good on paper. like boys want to tell their friends but when it comes down to it thats the only time they want to repeat anything about me again. whatever. i know a lot of it is my own attitude, and no one really gets why i am like that. well no one will get this either but its like im punishing every boy for something that still hurts.
Dear diary (haha)
for some reason i am really terribly homesick lately. Its kind of like when I first came to college but worse. I dont get why. I want SUMMER and i want AUSTIN and right now I want to get away from SMU. like...my friend and i are seriously looking for apartments next year in dallas and I just am feeling sick to my stomach about it because I have no desire to live here right now. but i mean i know i have to, i have 3 years to go and i'm going to finish them. im probably just having a bad day and stuff but still...I dont even know why im homesick. quite honestly this summer in austin is going to be reallyyy different than the last and i need to prepare myself before I make up all these expectations.
also. this is a surprise evn to me but...I think I'm finally over my phase of randoms. I want only one. but now that I do I have nowhere to go with that so yeah. no prospects either. cute.
i. hate. feeling. sorry. for. myself. because ive made a habit out of that this year and it needs to change. actually its more lik a lifestyle that I cant get out of.
I need a joint. too bad i called my friend richard at 711 and he told me: "baby we dont got no rolling papers" well, fuck richard. fuck.
love,
rachna
